Afterburn

by Greg McCruden

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1.
01:24
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02:23
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03:48
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04:05
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02:11
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03:24
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01:04
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10.
02:19

about

"Afterburn is a term used to indicate the effect an atypical past event continues to exert on a person's daily schedule, activities and mental state even after it is over" A lot is to be said about this record, it's personal, harsh, and honestly the darkest I've ever taken my writing. I was at a very low point when I began writing this album, which I'm grateful today to say I'm no longer in. This record highlights that process of breaking apart, dealing with dark demons, and in turn learning to accept yourself, your humanity, and to leave the past in the past. I'm very proud of the end result of this record, and am so excited to finally be able to share it. I'd like to thank my good friend Kenny Barney for all he has done for this project. Recording with him was an absolute pleasure, and opened doors I didn't think could be possible. I'd like to thank my friends, and family for their wonderful, generous, and loving support, and finally I'd like to thank the Central Jersey music scene for being so welcoming, and supportive from day one. I feel this record is a new step for me, and couldn't be more excited for what the future holds. Thank you for listening, it will forever mean the world to me.

credits

released 28 April 2015

Written by Greg McCruden

Mixed by Kenny Barney

Mastered by Bill Henderson at Azimuth Mastering

Artwork by Nathan Bayfield aka Bratwurst (www.iambratwurst.com)

Moral Support by Michelle Nuch

Guitar by Greg McCruden

Backing instruments by Kenny Barney

Backing vocals on "Fallout" & "October Air" by Kenny Barney

Backing vocals on "Afterburn" by Alexis Corona & Kenny Barney

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about

Greg McCruden Hillsborough, New Jersey

New Jersey, Bedroom Mosh.
Booking: mccrudenmusic@gmail.com

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Track Name: I Guess...
I Guess...
I'm not okay anymore,
and it's true I've let myself be consumed,
so I'm sorry,
for the scars I left on you,
just please know,
I never meant to hurt you.
Track Name: I'm Toxic & I'm Sorry
I don't deserve you, or any of this,
cause I didn't earn it, I never did.
I'm not good enough, I never was,
I'm a failure now, I was a failure then,
tomorrow won't be any different,
so I'm sorry, if this seems a bit harsh,
but how can I have love for this,
when I didn't know love from the start?


And I could say it a thousand times,
but it would just be a thousand lies,
that I'm okay, that I'm fine,
cause we both know what I am,
a time bomb waiting to happen,
so save yourself then just let it happen.


And I've never been good at me,
trying to fix all the broken things,
cause lately I've been letting it all consume me,
and now I'm caving in from all my flawed foundation,
I was never strong from the start always dammed to fall apart,
and this doesn't mean I love you less,
it's just I'm such a fucked up mess,
that you don't need me, or any of this.


And I could say it a thousand times,
but it would just be a thousand lies,
that I'm okay, that I'm fine,
cause we both know what I am,
a time bomb waiting to happen,
so save yourself then just let it happen.

I'm toxic, I'm broken, I'm a plague waiting to happen,
I won't do you any good,
I'm never gonna be any good,
and I'm sorry, for the way that I am,
but I'm cursed to break my foundations weak,
so just stay clear.


And I could say it a thousand times,
but it would just be a thousand lies,
that I'm okay, that I'm fine,
cause we both know what I am,
a time bomb waiting to happen,
so save yourself then just let it happen.

So save yourself then just let it happen.
Track Name: Fallout
Caught in the wayside of your gravity's pull
well I'm stuck here in orbit with no where to go
except round and round till I come crashing down
your best bet is to just stay clear
Well I'm just a time bomb with no delay
so I'll always end up blowing up in your face
I'm sorry for this mess I've made
It's just what I do I destroy everything


Don't wanna fall in
Don't wanna fall out
I don't wanna hurt anybody else
I've done too much of that.
I won't and I can't not like this
I'll never say I love you again
It's just not who I am
It's just not who I've been


And I won't be a killer
I won't be a thief
Not gonna steal your heart by any means
I'll keep building walls and barricades
I'm sorry If I'm just pushing you away
But it's too much to handle this mental state
It could fuck anyone over on any given day



Don't wanna fall in
Don't wanna fall out
I don't wanna hurt anybody else
I've done too much of that
I won't and I can't not like this
I'll never say I love you again
It's just not who I am
It's just not who I've been

(I'll fall in and fall out of love and of doubt) x4

So I'm sorry for all the things that I did
Like making the craters inside your head
When I dropped down like the bomb that I am
The fallout is proof that we were never meant
Track Name: On & On
I'm wasting days
Wasting time
Cause I can't even open my eyes
I can't remember the last time that I felt good inside
Cause I've been stuck in a world of hate
Just trying to find my own way
To pull myself out of my own grave

And I'm trying hard

But I've lost my crutch to stand
Now my body is caving in

So On & on at wits end
I never wanna see dawn again
Cause I'd rather just wake up dead
And On & on in my head
The battle never wants to end
So I think I might just give in

I'll give in

I spilled my guts over the strings
Over the scars and the memories
Cause I can't hide them anymore
And I'm a knot too tight to reach
But I'm coming undone by the seams
I'll fall apart before your very eyes
You won't notice a thing

And I'm falling out

Out of touch
And out of reach
I'm fucked and you can't save me

So On & on at wits end
I never wanna see dawn again
Cause I'd rather just wake up dead
And On & on in my head
The battle never wants to end
So I think I might just give in

And I'm coming undone again
Lost my crutch to stand
Cause on and on and on and on
The cycle never wants to end

And I'm fucking done

Trying to fix this mess
I'm giving in to it

So On & on at wits end
I never wanna see dawn again
Cause I'd rather just wake up dead
And On & on in my head
The battle never wants to end
So I think I might just give in
Track Name: Dirt & Snow
I've been crawling in a hole burying whatever's left of me,
cause I can feel the weather changing, and I'm losing stability.
Take another pill just to numb the pain,
and drown myself in a self medicated haze.
Cause I've been blowing up every single day,
tell me how the fuck do you live this way?


And I'm waiting for my bones to give way,
and the winter to come and swallow me,
waiting for something to speak to me,
cause I don't believe in anything,
and I'm just trying to breathe again,
but I'm stuck below my own surface,
I feel my will start to give,
I've been consumed
I'm caving in.

And I've been tearing at my skin
hoping I'll finally feel comfortable in it,
cause I carry the weight of my past,
and all my flawed foundation,
and it feels like I'm burned at the stake
by the permanent mess in my brain,
this chemical stain is never going away,
So I'll just dig 6 more feet,
cause an early graves all I see,
throw myself down
let the dirt and snow do away with me.

And I'm waiting for my bones to give way,
and the winter to come and swallow me,
waiting for something to speak to me,
cause I don't believe in anything,
and I'm just trying to breathe again,
but I'm stuck below my own surface,
I feel my will start to give,
I've been consumed
I'm caving in.


My pains my own it follows where ever I go,
burning my arms or ripping out my throat.
My pasts a noose hung around my neck,
waiting for the stool to finally be kicked.

Buried beneath the dirt and snow is the only place I deserve to go (x2)


My will is bent,
I've been consumed, I'm caving in
this is the part where I'm laid to rest
And I'm sorry it's come to this,
but I just can't handle it,
I have to lay this all to rest,
I never wanna feel burned again.
Track Name: Time & Date
3:48 AM, September 3rd, 2014:
I caved in,
under low light at 3 am,
made thick lines on soft skin,
under the hum of a records spin,
And this self hate,
has a permanent place in my brain,
like the small knife by my bedside,
and the scars it has left behind.


I'd rather be dead than sleeping,
so let me stop dreaming,
cause I feel defeated,
my body is weeping,
I'd rather be dead than sleeping,
so let me stop dreaming,
I'd rather be dead,
my body is weeping.

And I wish I could tell you,
it's been a a month, a week, or even a day,
but the truth is it's been an hour,
I've let myself slip away.
Track Name: ...I Know
...and I know
I'm not okay at all
and It's true
I let the dark swallow me whole
I need help
I can admit that now
so I guess I know
I'm not okay at all

I'm not okay at all
Track Name: Strangers & Strange Cars
This is an apology
for not saying anything
about how I've been
and all the messed things inside my head
cause I can't bare to see
the look in your eyes
When I tell you that I'm dying
and I feel empty inside

It comes easily
to those that I don't know
I've been breaking down on long rides home
to strangers I've never known

because it's easy
to tell someone you'll never see again
that you don't wanna see the sun
you'd rather just stay in bed

and it's easy
to tell someone you'll never see again
that you'd rather just wake up dead
cause you hate the person you have been

I've been confessing to strangers in strange cars
in places I have never been before
and I'm breaking on someones floor
drunk, tired, and full of hate
oh god what the fuck did you create?

and they tell me
that I gotta get a hold of this
it's the only life that I get
and I can make something of it
so I can't
let it go to waste
tomorrow is another day
I'm human, we can make mistakes


So I'm sorry friends
for not saying anything
but I'm working on becoming
a better version of me
and these strangers
are slowly helping me
learn how to grow
and accept my humanity

(I'm learning how to grow) x2
Track Name: Afterburn
I've been confiding in the person that I've been
the emptiness of my heart and my ever hollow head
and I've come accustom to the pain I feel within
It has become my oldest friend
it'll be with me till thee very end

but I'm trying to see
beyond the dirt & snow
to what I am
or who I could become

cause I'm more than the scars on my skin
a time & date or some note I wrote back then

and I'm starting to accept my humanity
that I'll hurt people
and they'll hurt me
it's how we learn to deal with things

and I'm learning how
to love the life I'm living
It goes on and on and on and on
but I'm not leaving

and I'm learning how to love my life
(and I'll never let the small stuff win)
and how to leave the past behind
(I will not die in regret)
I'm learning how to grow